What if Facebook Were Our Only Source of News?

Cartoon: Fellow is updating his facebook account while nuclear warhead explodes.

Credit: Unknown

What if Facebook were our only source of news and information? What would we know about the United States? How would we see the world around us? I have been thinking about these important questions and offer the following observations. (Note that some of the observations contradict others, but that’s the nature of reality in Facebook.)

Politics

° Hillary Clinton is the matriarch of a major crime family bent on destroying the United States.

° Barack Obama is a Muslim communist from Kenya who, by trickery and deceit, convinced Americans to elect him President.

° The Republican candidates for President are all mentally deficient, out of work, circus clowns.

° The United States only fights wars to defend freedom.

º The United States is an imperialist power that only fights wars of neocolonialism.

Arts and Entertainment

° America’s favorite form of entertainment is watching cat videos.

° A close second is videos of stupid people doing stupid things while getting hurt in the process. (These are usually hilarious.)

° Americans don’t like art very much, but they do like political cartoons and cartoon-like drawings with pithy sayings written on them such as, “Never let your friends feel lonely! Disturb them at all times!” or “Don’t worry about what I’m doing, but worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.”

° Every age likes portraiture. In Facebook World the favorite form of portraiture is the “selfie.”

° Another favorite form of portraiture is the snapshot of Facebookers in front of famous world sites such as the Taj Mahal, the Eiffel Tower, or the White House. Apparently, all of these sites were created so that photos might be taken in front of them.

Social Change

° The best way to change the world is to think positive thoughts and be kind to small animals.

° The best way to get rid of crime is for everyone to get a gun.

° All people with guns are psychopaths.

General Observations about American Culture

° Many Americans like to let others know where they are and what they are doing at all times. Examples: “Checking in at IHOP – eating pancakes,” or “Just got up – eating Cocoa Puffs – more later.” This mysterious cultural trait remains unexplained.

° “Always be true to yourself.” This is the primary rule of personal development, no matter how demented or stupid you might be.

° We are an anxious society. The present American anxiety is having to wait for upcoming episodes of Downton Abbey and trying to understand the finale of Game of Thrones.

° The most important person in the United States several weeks ago was David Letterman. Now, no one seems to remember him.

° Postings in Facebook have a half-life of thirty minutes. Some postings get much less. After thirty six hours of their first appearance, only a chemical trace of interest remains for any posting, whether it be profound or trivial.

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